I hurt you hurt so what?

I look back to a year ago to where I so aptly explained my situation. Living in a home confined with so many barriers it felt like the Big Dig personified.

We sleepwalked through another year and finally I did the only thing that felt like it was truly for me.

I left. 

Now we're apart and sometimes I hurt so much I think I could keel over on the spot. But what's even sadder is that this pain is no where near what I've felt for the past three years. It's more of a raw rubbing at my soul as opposed to the sharp, intense jabs of denial and rejection. In a way I feel free and yet there's this residual stickiness of lost love, anger and heartache that taints my days. But I know that will pass.

She says she doesn't understand. But now after five days of silence I wonder if she'll say anything at all. God knows I can't. In fact I'd prefer to never mention it again. Cruel, cowardly? Maybe. Most likely. But I really am numb in that respect. I listen to seasoned couples talking of "making it through the tough times" and I wonder if I gave up too soon, too quickly. Did I fail? But I can't and don't believe that I did.

I tried, I begged, I lured and bartered and she remained as distant as ever. Then in the last few days she promised to change... But I couldn't trust her. It was too late. I had seen what I was missing - it was like an electric current raged through my very being.

So here I am - still in the lap mediocrity, living at home. All I can keep thinking is - will this fuzz ever leave my mind? I can feel the oh so familiar defense mechanisms already kicking in - protecting me from becoming too vulnerable. Sabotaging my efforts to move forward. To feel free.

I would prefer to never go through this again. And I finally understand the little plaque that cheerily demands that we love like we've never been hurt...

I know that my mood will change eventually. I'll find a way and we'll all move along. Change is inevitable.

I'm Doing Me

It's amazing how freeing it feels to finally say (and do) what is best for me and just me. Selfish? No. I need this and it's about damn time.

The Waiting Game

Waiting for the email to come. Will it change my life? I’m waiting for the email to come the one that says I pay attention – the one that says you hold a promise. The one that says you’re free. It’s long overdue. And as I sit – wait, work harder and wonder longer – I become stronger, stoner, resilient and yet resigned.


Will it come? Doesn’t it have to?

I used to think the scariest thing was losing you...

A lot is happening.

I can't pretend to say it's all okay and I won't be stupid enough to think my life is over. It's true it's in a shambles. An unorganized hodgepodge of useless albeit expensive degrees, mixed in with an unhealthy fear of failure and no clear path forward.

This is not what I expected 27 to look like - and yet there is only me to blame.

The past few years I lived with a crutch. Love.  It's what it's all about isn't it? It's all you need. It makes the world go round. It's the only thing that there's just to little of...

We're supposed to say that with love, one can conquer the world. And yet I wonder if it's enough.  I used to think that it was better to have a partner in crime, a support system, someone with whom I would build a life. And together we'd work to have it all. Everything we ever wanted - together.

You make concessions, agree to disagree, work towards the "betterment of everything" in spite of the betterment of  you. And today I woke up and realized this isn't me anymore. I shouldn't have to concede this much. The thought of a trip to Vegas shouldn't  make a wave of anxiety wash over me like the remnants of a tropical storm. I should not have this baggage.

Today I realized that your baggage is your baggage - and mine is indeed mine. I also realized I either wasn't strong enough or persistent enough to help you work through all you needed to. Instead of living together - we're existing together. Two people each behind a wall, walls we've built to save our own skin, and exist in the confines of our fears, without working to break through to the other.

Yes I'll say I failed you numerous times. I'll admit I've been wrong. But we both know this isn't how life should be. Always waiting. For that next step, the next pay check the next - what freedom affording entity? And yet you draw yourself farther and farther away like a distant foggy memory that escapes when we wake.  You make promises we both know you can't keep and we live in the silence that's become overwhelming.

I can't continue to be left unacknowledged. I can't be the one you don't introduce. And I can't be the one that is constantly left behind, in the dark, and alone. I can't constantly pretend we're just friends - both at home and in public. I can't allow this to continue as it has.

I used to think the scariest thing was losing you - now I know from experience, it's even worse to lose me.

Positive

Today I am thankful. That's an easy sentence to write but a remarkably hard one to mean sometimes. It's amazing what happens when you begin to remove the mental road blocks you make for yourself. I am thankful for where I am and what I am doing - and I hope that with persistence, a little luck and some divine intervention I can continue on this path.

The end...for now ;)

If I won the lottery

I've been really bored lately. There's nothing exciting going on, no form of collaboration or creativity, and I feel I'm wasting time in all areas of my life.

Obviously the answer to my problem is I need change the question is where do I start and more importantly where do I go? I've had some serious attempts of change in the past few months - all ending in dismal disappointment.  A friend of mine said there are thee keys to success when looking for change. Realize what you want, Visualize it then Actualize it.

I'm still stuck on the R.

So I reverted to that famous high school councilor trick: what would you want to do if you won the lottery? You could do whatever you wanted without worrying about finances - what's your dream?

When I was younger my answer was - I'd write books.  Pssh: clearly it's that easy. Now? I have no idea. The only think I can think of doing is set my parents up to never have to worry about money again.  Then I'm stuck. Totally in a rut with no way out - I know I'm so dramatic. So what's my goal this week? Create a more effective, achievable life plan one that I have to stick to and implement no matter how hard it is.

I suppose I have to post my update next week. Stay tuned.

Sunny Saturday

I came home this afternoon and the house was empty.  The noisy neighbor was gone, the sun was shining and I felt...good, all was right with the world.

I found some sort of centered peace I've been waiting for and even my iPod was complying today - playing really great music just on shuffle.  So I took a moment and basked in that rare time in life where everything comes together for just a few seconds. Like the planets were aligned just for me just for a moment.

I cleaned the apartment, took out the trash, showered and made myself dinner. And then I waited. For what I'm not so sure. I feel like at times we're all supposed to listen. To ourselves, to something telling us about our next steps in life and how we're supposed to prepare. I always wonder if I missed my calling. Should I have been an artist, musician or maybe I'll always be a struggling writer. In any event, today for a brief moment, I felt recharged.  Here's hoping I can sustain it.