I used to think the scariest thing was losing you...

A lot is happening.

I can't pretend to say it's all okay and I won't be stupid enough to think my life is over. It's true it's in a shambles. An unorganized hodgepodge of useless albeit expensive degrees, mixed in with an unhealthy fear of failure and no clear path forward.

This is not what I expected 27 to look like - and yet there is only me to blame.

The past few years I lived with a crutch. Love.  It's what it's all about isn't it? It's all you need. It makes the world go round. It's the only thing that there's just to little of...

We're supposed to say that with love, one can conquer the world. And yet I wonder if it's enough.  I used to think that it was better to have a partner in crime, a support system, someone with whom I would build a life. And together we'd work to have it all. Everything we ever wanted - together.

You make concessions, agree to disagree, work towards the "betterment of everything" in spite of the betterment of  you. And today I woke up and realized this isn't me anymore. I shouldn't have to concede this much. The thought of a trip to Vegas shouldn't  make a wave of anxiety wash over me like the remnants of a tropical storm. I should not have this baggage.

Today I realized that your baggage is your baggage - and mine is indeed mine. I also realized I either wasn't strong enough or persistent enough to help you work through all you needed to. Instead of living together - we're existing together. Two people each behind a wall, walls we've built to save our own skin, and exist in the confines of our fears, without working to break through to the other.

Yes I'll say I failed you numerous times. I'll admit I've been wrong. But we both know this isn't how life should be. Always waiting. For that next step, the next pay check the next - what freedom affording entity? And yet you draw yourself farther and farther away like a distant foggy memory that escapes when we wake.  You make promises we both know you can't keep and we live in the silence that's become overwhelming.

I can't continue to be left unacknowledged. I can't be the one you don't introduce. And I can't be the one that is constantly left behind, in the dark, and alone. I can't constantly pretend we're just friends - both at home and in public. I can't allow this to continue as it has.

I used to think the scariest thing was losing you - now I know from experience, it's even worse to lose me.